dysphoria ep

by salvador

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1.
you gave me years i won't soon forget you gave me purpose all through their neglect and as we unfold you hold my history keep hope in your heart and hate in your periphery now you drink your coffee black like your mother used to everyday, and don't you ever forget where you came from is what she used to say so we stood upon the ledge and we stared into the sun until we cried for the brightness, and the beauty, and the blind and everyone we knew had died. don't you ever forget me don't you forget who you used to be i will never forget you i'll never forget what i meant to you
2.
on sleepless nights i am well versed and how it hurts that i've forgotten what it felt like to sleep by your side and when you wept and when you wept as i slept at ease you harbored hate in your heart and dreamed of joyous nights, our nights apart then i saw you there on the bed we used to share with feral eyes when i caught you by surprise and I, had seen the way you looked at him before and recognized his voice before I broke the door _____(screams) tell me if you've ever felt a love like mine strong enough to make a sane man lose his mind but then i saw your life force pooling at feet spreading like the shade at sundown when we'd meet and i don't know how i could've done anything to hurt you _____you said you loved me, but i could never know _____you shone so brightly, i felt helpless and alone _____so when you sunk in the shadows of your mind _____i had to find another love _____who understood _____to hold me closer now _____like you never could _____and i turned around when you threw me to the ground _____and ran to hide when you shot me in my side _____and i, had never seen that look upon your face _____and gasped for air when you held my neck in place _____(screams) _____but why'd you spend the whole night picking through my bones? _____tearing flesh that was more caring than your own? _____and when you stood upon the chaos you had caused _____did you really think you triumphed nature's laws? _____well did you find your proof? _____or do you still deny the truth?
3.
are you there, my love? can you hear my cries? tell me what you see through your lifeless eyes will you ever know how i've suffered so? hold me tenderly rid me of my woe _____i can see you now _____and what you've become _____all the wickedness _____to which you've succumbed _____there was once a time _____when you held me close _____whispered quietly _____all your loving prose ======CHORUS====== but if i've lost respect for my perception what else can i trust? and i admit i've jumped to the conclusion that my world is false _____darling, your denial only clouds the truth but i feel soulless and empty _____when do morbid thoughts make you so aloof? when my senses overwhelm me _____won't you think of me when you lose faith in living? oh, i do and when you spoke to me i could feel your breath against my ear and im haunted every night by the final words you made me hear ==================== so if this is life what's there left to live? how can i go on with no love to give? _____don't you feel regret _____what we had was real _____don't let loveless fools _____tell you how to feel so when we shared warmth _____and i let you in did you truly care? _____with everything within but now that we've sinned what am i to do? _____please remember me _____as i remember you ======CHORUS===== but if i've lost respect for my perception what else can i trust? and i admit i've jumped to the conclusion that my world is false _____darling, your denial only clouds the truth but i feel soulless and empty _____when do morbid thoughts make you so aloof? when my senses overwhelm me _____won't you think of me when you lose faith in living? oh, i do and when you spoke to me i could feel your breath against my ear and im haunted every night by the final words you made me hear =================== _____though the years have tried _____your sensitivity _____don't abandon faith _____in human empathy has it been that long? i can barely see distant memories they're escaping me _____i had hoped by now _____you would realize _____that my final words _____were meant to sympathize yes, i understand but i never knew that you needed me and i needed you ==================== and when you spoke to me i could feel your breath against my ear and im haunted every night by the final words you made me hear
4.
cold sweat cigarette heavy breath ego death only sad melodies sound good to me only apologetic lyrics kill my apathy
5.
i met a charming girl recently. yeah, she's an interesting one and nothing like the countless mindless others that i've been patronizing for fun. no no, its really love that im after, not meaningless banter leading to a disaster, but an actual answer to why my heart beats faster and i hold nervous laughter every time im around her. god, she could turn the worst wallflower into a dancer. is this what love is? i kept asking myself, when i got that cold stinging feeling in my chest and fingertips. well, i hope not or i'll have a goddamned heart attack if i ever do go for a kiss. but im in no rush, im a pleasure delayer. i asked if she'd like to have lunch with me later and spent the next two days deciding where i would take her and lost so much sleep i stayed awake for what seemed like a whole half delirious/half euphoric week. so i held doors open and avoided smokin'. ya know, things a gentleman would do. i like to think of myself as one even though im a bitter selfish asshole too. yeah, that date didn't go as i planned so i did what any sane person would do, and coated my lungs with tar to subdue my mind's racing and my pathetic heart's pacing at the thought of even being close to you. and i've caught myself rehashing our conversations for hours, wishing i could've been more witty. hell, maybe i should just tell you how i feel, or would that only inspire pity? damn it! i should've made a move when we were lying on your bed and you got the sudden impulse to lift up your head, but i, i didn't know how lightly i should tread and kept hoping i'd have the courage to ask you instead... to ask you when i knew our conversation was dead... why can't we talk about food? i want to talk about sex why can't we talk about food and sex and sleeping? i want to talk about you and sex and sleeping well, what do i do now? i guess i could write some more songs, and avoid seeing friends until the semester ends. with any luck, my seclusion will create a false sense of exclusivity... didn't i hear someone say girls like a guy with a sense of mystery? but who the fuck am i kidding? i'll probably come crawling home because i cant really handle the stress and the panic attacks, they'll just start getting worst because of my need to impress and i cant decide if my fits of passion are the manic raindrops in my sea of depressed thoughts about how life is a mess. if only i could somehow shutoff my senses when they overwhelm me, if only i could rest. forget what i just said, i wasn't feeling well, i just wanted to spill my guts or should i say my brain onto someone who wouldn't yell at me for being mentally weak. maybe i should take some more time to think, but only to myself. you know, develop a better relationship with my internal dialogue so it doesn't try to stab me in the back of the ego next time i leave my guard down, that vindictive bastard. but anyway, why can't we talk about food? i want to talk about sex why can't we talk about food and sex and sleeping? i want to talk about you and sex and sleeping

about

in loving memory of Margarita Colunga Urzúa

written & recorded august, MMXII

comprised entirely of audio sampled from the "rite of passage" recordings (with the addition of vocal tracks)

note: ep download includes a complementary collection of original poems entitled "turning twenty", all of which i wrote over the course of this past year

credits

released August 31, 2012

written and produced by Omar Khan

special thanks to Shalin Mikkol Craig for unknowingly inspiring this album

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about

salvador Berkeley, California

my name is omar.
i collect and record musical instruments when im not sleeping, reading, or crying.

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