berkeley blues

by salvador

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1.
depression tastes like cigarettes and hair follicles. happiness feels like the hands you've dreamt of holding. i fastened bells to your heart, and i went deaf when the ringing stopped. did instinct tell you i wouldn't make a fitting father? did your soul catch a cold when i coughed up my love? i don't give a fuck if you say that you're sorry, it's hard enough not to drown... it's hard enough not to drown.
2.
may 1st 04:11
dear mother mine, i am sorry if you mind my grand delusions and my seclusion from a world i fear with doubts i can't measure in tears but what i do, it's all for you. dear mother mine, though it seems i've lost my mind, i do remember her sweet surrender, resulting in your birth and entrance to the Earth that you showed me, when you set me free. in twisted forms i trembled numbly at night with the thought that you will die, and still we pray to a creator i fear is unaware of you and i. in restless dreams, i seem to wrestle with fiends... they have robbed me of my breath. so if i kneel and say an ave for you, will you hear me after death? dear mother mine, i have written crooked rhymes of self-reflection with no direction, but now is not the time to burden you with lines of guilty thought from when we fought, so on this first day of may, as i lay in disarray, i just thought i'd call to say that though i live so far away, i love you deeply.
3.
on sleepless nights i am well versed and how it hurts that i've forgotten what it felt like to sleep by your side and when you wept and when you wept as i slept at ease you harbored hate in your heart and dreamed of joyous nights, our nights apart then i saw you there on the bed we used to share with feral eyes when i caught you by surprise and I, had seen the way you looked at him before and recognized his voice before I broke the door (screams) so tell me if you've ever felt a love like mine strong enough to make a sane man lose his mind but then i saw your life force pooling at feet spreading like the shade at sundown when we'd meet and i don't know how i could've done anything to hurt you you said you loved me, but i could never know you shone so brightly, i felt helpless and alone so when you sunk in the shadows of your mind i had to find another love who understood to hold me closer now like you never could and i turned around when you threw me to the ground and ran to hide when you shot me in my side and i, had never seen that look upon your face and gasped for air when you held my neck in place (screams) but why'd you spend the whole night picking through my bones? tearing flesh that was more caring than your own? and when you stood upon the chaos you had caused did you really think you triumphed nature's laws? well did you find your proof? or do you still deny the truth?
4.
untitled 02:05
pray for me i love you pray for me
5.
are you there, my love? can you hear my cries? tell me what you see through your lifeless eyes will you ever know how i've suffered so? hold me tenderly rid me of my woe i can see you now and what you've become all the wickedness to which you've succumbed there was once a time when you held me close whispered quietly all your loving prose but if i've lost respect for my perception what else can i trust? and i admit i've jumped to the conclusion that my world is false darling, your denial only clouds the truth but i feel soulless and empty when do morbid thoughts make you so aloof? when my senses overwhelm me won't you think of me when you lose faith in living? oh, i do and when you spoke to me i could feel your breath against my ear and im haunted every night by the final words you made me hear so if this is life what's there left to live? how can i go on with no love to give? don't you feel regret what we had was real don't let loveless fools tell you how to feel so when we shared warmth and i let you in did you truly care? with everything within but now that we've sinned what am i to do? please remember me as i remember you but if i've lost respect for my perception what else can i trust? and i admit i've jumped to the conclusion that my world is false darling, your denial only clouds the truth but i feel soulless and empty when do morbid thoughts make you so aloof? when my senses overwhelm me won't you think of me when you lose faith in living? oh, i do and when you spoke to me i could feel your breath against my ear and im haunted every night by the final words you made me hear though the years have tried your sensitivity don't abandon faith in human empathy has it been that long? i can barely see distant memories they're escaping me i had hoped by now you would realize that my final words were meant to sympathize yes, i understand but i never knew that you needed me and i needed you and when you spoke to me i could feel your breath against my ear and im haunted every night by the final words you made me hear
6.
you gave me years i won't soon forget. you gave me purpose all through their neglect, and as we unfold you hold my history. keep hope in your heart and hate in your periphery. now you drink your coffee black like your mother used to everyday, and "don't you ever forget where you came from" is what she used to say, so we stood upon the ledge and we stared into the sun until we cried for the brightness, and the beauty, and the blind and everyone we knew had died. don't you ever forget me. don't you forget who you used to be. i will never forget you. i'll never forget what i meant to you.
7.
oh, irene what have we seen? desperation personified by me and oh, irene though it may seem like i never intended to be your friend 'cause by the morning you'll be mine; i hope you'll have the time. by the morning you'll be mine; i hope you have the time. sticks and stones may break my bones but the words you spoke to me that day have all but left my weary mind and now I doubt they'll ever fade away but by the morning you'll be mine; i hope you'll have the time. by the morning you'll be mine; i hope you have the time. so don't you worry if i'm not there it's not that i'm selfish or arrogant it's that i'm scared and don't you worry if i'm not around just listen for the faint and distant sound of my voice calling your name from afar through the ambience of passing cars don't you know i tried to say goodbye, to you don't you know it's hard to say goodbye, to you so tell me once more, tell me once more, tell me once again tell me once more, tell me once again, my friend don't you know it's hard to say goodbye, to you don't you know i tried to feed you lies, it's true don't you know i fell in love with you, again don't you know i fell apart for you, again and i tried to find the sounds that would keep you around but then the world said, "ha! he thinks himself an artist! let him sleep another day away in pain, and if his days turn into years, well who's to notice? he might as well be crying in the rain." so tell me once more, tell me once more, tell me once again tell me once more, tell me once again, my friend don't you know it's hard to say goodbye, to you and don't you know i tried to say goodbye, to you
8.
i met a charming girl recently. yeah, she's an interesting one and nothing like the countless mindless others i've been patronizing for fun. no no, it's really love that i'm after, not meaningless banter leading to a disaster, but an actual answer to why my heart beats faster and i hold nervous laughter every time i'm around her. god, she could turn the worst wallflower into a dancer. is this what love is? i kept asking myself, when i felt that cold stinging feeling in my chest and fingertips. well, i hope not or i'll have a goddamned heart attack if i ever do go in for a kiss. but i'm in no rush, i'm a pleasure delayer and i asked if she'd like to have lunch with me later and spent the next two days deciding where i would take her and lost so much sleep i stayed awake for what seemed like a whole half delirious/half euphoric week. so i held doors open and avoided smokin'. ya know, things a gentleman would do. i like to think of myself as one, even though i'm a bitter selfish asshole too. and yeah, that date didn't go as i planned so i did what any sane person would do, and coated my lungs with tar to subdue my mind's racing and my pathetic heart's pacing at the thought of even being close to you. and i've caught myself rehashing our conversations for hours, wishing i could've been more witty. hell, should i just tell you how i feel or would that only inspire pity? damn it! i should've made a move when we were lying on your bed and you got the sudden impulse to lift up your head, but i, i didn't know how lightly i should tread and i was hoping i'd have the courage to ask you instead... to ask you when i realized our conversation was dead... why can't we talk about food? i want to talk about sex why can't we talk about food and sex and sleeping? i want to talk about food and sex and sleeping why can't we talk about food? i want to talk about sex why can't we talk about you and sex and sleeping? i want to talk about you and sex and sleeping well, what do i do now? i guess i could write some more songs, and avoid seeing friends until the semester ends. with any luck, my seclusion will create a false sense of exclusivity... didn't i hear someone say girls like a guy with a sense of mystery? who the fuck am i kidding? i'll probably come crawling home because i can't really handle the stress and the panic attacks, they'll just start getting worst because of my need to impress and i can't decide if my fits of passion are the manic raindrops in my sea of depressed thoughts about how life is a mess. if only i could shutoff my senses when they overwhelm me...if only i could rest. forget what i just said, i wasn't feeling well, i just wanted to spill my guts or should i say my brain onto someone who wouldn't yell at me for being mentally weak. maybe i should spend some more time to think, but only to myself. you know, develop a better relationship with my internal dialogue so it doesn't try to stab me in the back of the ego next time i leave my guard down, that vindictive bastard. but anyway, why can't we talk about food? i want to talk about sex why can't we talk about food and sex and sleeping? i want to talk about food and sex and sleeping why can't we talk about food? i want to talk about sex why can't we talk about food and sex and sleeping? i want to talk about you and sex and sleeping
9.
youth group 03:41
these broken keys won't allow for cheerful melodies, but i could play the saddest songs on balconies with ease these painted walls haunt me. these bathroom stalls taunt me. these hallway blues have me turning hues too faint to view, so what did you do instead? you just stayed inside your room and ignored the world that propositioned you, and what did you tell your friends when they asked you why the life you've known was at its best when left alone? but if i played this song for all the world to see would she notice me? or would she find some other fool? who'd use his pseudo-charm to hold her in his selfish arms and surely do her harm oh, i can't take this anymore! on quiet floors i knocked on quite doors but did she notice, my lowest moments? when the only way to fake it through the day is with a jug of wine, don't tell me that i'm fine i have a problem but what did you do instead? you just stayed inside your room and ignored the world that propositioned you, and what did you tell your friends when they asked you why the life you've known was at its best when left alone? but if i played this song for all of you to see would she notice me? or would she find some other fool? who'd use his pseudo-charm to hold her in his selfish arms and surely do her harm oh, i can't take this anymore! no, i can't fucking take this anymore so i lay my head down and wonder... i wonder why all the pressure that you put me under was enough to cry. and the times we spent and your fragrant scent i will never smell again! and the lines you wrote and the words you spoke were all just fucking lies! and when i see you now, i can never ever feel what i once thought would pleasure me, no, no, no.
10.
i tried to find your face in a crowd that made me question myself. am i the crazy one for feeling this way or am i just like everyone else? come tell me what you feel and i promise that i won't tell a soul. and if you happen to cry in the process, well, at least you won't be alone. 'cause i thought we were the same and when you left i felt i was to blame and the pain was too much to contain now instant nostalgia's got me pulling hair is it a curse to be so self aware? i felt the darkness inside of you so i kept my distance to hide from you but i saw the beauty inside of you and i let my love grow in spite of you i tried to catch your eyes but they wandered like they so often do and if you find me drunk and alone well, just know i'm waiting for you to give me one last dance and i promise that i won't force a kiss just let me hold your heart against mine and pretend that love does exist. 'cause i thought we were the same and when you left i felt i was to blame now the pain is just too much to contain and my inhibitions got the best of me so i thought it better just to let you be.
11.
serotonin 06:32
love, i can feel your heart the spirit of the earth and i've no need for words! now i understand what it means to live and i will never die! wait, was it just a dream? am i soon to wake? tell me how to stay! was it all you've ever wanted? to be alone and numb and sane don't you tell me that i'm haunted my only options are pills or pain but did you even try? sleeping through the time you couldn't share and did you even care? tell me where you are and i'll be there don't you know that it's okay to love without reward and you threw it all away for warmth that went ignored and when you find that you can trust again remember how you felt remember what you said 'cause i've lost the will to keep you here and being you is all i've come to fear don't you know i tried to save the friend you used to be and fought against the pain with liquor and cocaine to stop the thoughts that wouldn't leave my head and made me feel insane to choose to live instead but you're gone again, and i'm too far from home and i can't help but cry when talking on the phone
12.
will they hear my sound and fury years after i'm dead? when you called me full of worry what could i have said? and was it wrong to hide my weakness when you came around? still i ask while lying sleepless how have i failed now? and when i hear your voice i feel at home you see and i remember how it felt to have you close to me and when you say i'm loved it hurts to hear the words 'cause i've been gone too long to realize what my life is worth

about

for Amer Azad
il miglior fabbro

written spring MMXI - autumn MMXII

recorded spring - winter MMXIII in berkeley, ca

credits

released March 3, 2014

all songs written, arranged, engineered, performed, & produced by Omar Khan

contributors:

Owen Barnell................trumpet on tracks ii & ix
Finn Butler....................piano on tracks ix & xi
Anela DeLaveaga.........flute on track xi
Grayson Flood..............bass on track ix
Peter Hook...................auxiliary guitar on track iii
Megan Kramer.............vox on tracks iii & v
Alex Millen....................wurlitzer on track vii
Spencer Nyarady.........violin on track xi
Lily Rose.......................vox on track ii
Alejandra Santiago.......likeness on cover art

special thanks to:
— berkeley, for welcoming me into its crushing embrace
— residents of casa zimbabwe ('13-'14), for tolerating my noise
— my parents, for their constant support despite my fall from grace
— my friends, for their company, encouragement, and inspiration
— my muses, my addictions, and my insecurities

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about

salvador Berkeley, California

my name is omar.
i collect and record musical instruments when im not sleeping, reading, or crying.

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