dysphoria ep

by salvador

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about

in loving memory of Margarita Colunga Urzúa

written & recorded august, MMXII

comprised entirely of audio sampled from the "rite of passage" recordings (with the addition of vocal tracks)

note: ep download includes a complementary collection of original poems entitled "turning twenty", all of which i wrote over the course of this past year

credits

released August 31, 2012

written and produced by Omar Khan

special thanks to Shalin Mikkol Craig for unknowingly inspiring this album

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all rights reserved

about

salvador Berkeley, California

my name is omar.
i collect and record musical instruments when im not sleeping, reading, or crying.

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Track Name: the shooting lights of thy wild eyes
you gave me years i won't soon forget
you gave me purpose all through their neglect
and as we unfold you hold my history
keep hope in your heart and hate in your periphery

now you drink your coffee black like your mother used to everyday,
and don't you ever forget where you came from is what she used to say
so we stood upon the ledge and we stared into the sun until we cried
for the brightness, and the beauty, and the blind and everyone we knew had died.

don't you ever forget me
don't you forget who you used to be
i will never forget you
i'll never forget what i meant to you
Track Name: love & death pt. 1
on sleepless nights i am well versed
and how it hurts
that i've forgotten what it felt like
to sleep by your side

and when you wept
and when you wept as i slept at ease
you harbored hate in your heart
and dreamed of joyous nights, our nights apart

then i saw you there on the bed we used to share
with feral eyes when i caught you by surprise

and I, had seen the way you looked at him before
and recognized his voice before I broke the door

_____(screams)

tell me if you've ever felt a love like mine
strong enough to make a sane man lose his mind

but then i saw your life force pooling at feet
spreading like the shade at sundown when we'd meet

and i don't know
how i could've done anything to hurt you

_____you said you loved me, but i could never know
_____you shone so brightly, i felt helpless and alone

_____so when you sunk in the shadows of your mind
_____i had to find another love
_____who understood
_____to hold me closer now
_____like you never could

_____and i turned around when you threw me to the ground
_____and ran to hide when you shot me in my side

_____and i, had never seen that look upon your face
_____and gasped for air when you held my neck in place

_____(screams)

_____but why'd you spend the whole night picking through my bones?
_____tearing flesh that was more caring than your own?

_____and when you stood upon the chaos you had caused
_____did you really think you triumphed nature's laws?

_____well did you find your proof?
_____or do you still deny the truth?
Track Name: love & death pt. 2
are you there, my love?
can you hear my cries?
tell me what you see
through your lifeless eyes

will you ever know
how i've suffered so?
hold me tenderly
rid me of my woe

_____i can see you now
_____and what you've become
_____all the wickedness
_____to which you've succumbed

_____there was once a time
_____when you held me close
_____whispered quietly
_____all your loving prose

======CHORUS======

but if i've lost respect for my perception
what else can i trust?
and i admit i've jumped to the conclusion
that my world is false

_____darling, your denial only clouds the truth
but i feel soulless and empty
_____when do morbid thoughts make you so aloof?
when my senses overwhelm me
_____won't you think of me when you lose faith in living?
oh, i do

and when you spoke to me
i could feel your breath against my ear
and im haunted every night
by the final words you made me hear

====================

so if this is life
what's there left to live?
how can i go on
with no love to give?

_____don't you feel regret
_____what we had was real
_____don't let loveless fools
_____tell you how to feel

so when we shared warmth
_____and i let you in
did you truly care?
_____with everything within

but now that we've sinned
what am i to do?
_____please remember me
_____as i remember you

======CHORUS=====

but if i've lost respect for my perception
what else can i trust?
and i admit i've jumped to the conclusion
that my world is false

_____darling, your denial only clouds the truth
but i feel soulless and empty
_____when do morbid thoughts make you so aloof?
when my senses overwhelm me
_____won't you think of me when you lose faith in living?
oh, i do

and when you spoke to me
i could feel your breath against my ear
and im haunted every night
by the final words you made me hear

===================

_____though the years have tried
_____your sensitivity
_____don't abandon faith
_____in human empathy

has it been that long?
i can barely see
distant memories
they're escaping me

_____i had hoped by now
_____you would realize
_____that my final words
_____were meant to sympathize

yes, i understand
but i never knew
that you needed me
and i needed you

====================

and when you spoke to me
i could feel your breath against my ear
and im haunted every night
by the final words you made me hear
Track Name: soteriophobia
cold sweat
cigarette
heavy breath
ego death

only sad melodies sound good to me
only apologetic lyrics kill my apathy
Track Name: i was a teen once
i met a charming girl recently.
yeah, she's an interesting one
and nothing like the countless mindless others that i've been patronizing for fun.
no no, its really love that im after, not meaningless banter leading to a disaster, but an actual answer to why my heart beats faster and i hold nervous laughter every time im around her.
god, she could turn the worst wallflower into a dancer.

is this what love is? i kept asking myself, when i got that cold stinging feeling in my chest and fingertips. well, i hope not or i'll have a goddamned heart attack if i ever do go for a kiss.
but im in no rush, im a pleasure delayer.
i asked if she'd like to have lunch with me later
and spent the next two days deciding where i would take her
and lost so much sleep i stayed awake for what seemed
like a whole half delirious/half euphoric week.

so i held doors open and avoided smokin'. ya know, things a gentleman would do.
i like to think of myself as one even though im a bitter selfish asshole too.
yeah, that date didn't go as i planned so i did what any sane person would do,
and coated my lungs with tar to subdue my mind's racing and my pathetic heart's pacing at the thought of even being close to you. and i've caught myself rehashing our conversations for hours, wishing i could've been more witty.
hell, maybe i should just tell you how i feel, or would that only inspire pity?
damn it! i should've made a move when we were lying on your bed
and you got the sudden impulse to lift up your head,
but i, i didn't know how lightly i should tread
and kept hoping i'd have the courage to ask you instead...
to ask you when i knew our conversation was dead...

why can't we talk about food?
i want to talk about sex
why can't we talk about food and sex and sleeping?
i want to talk about you and sex and sleeping

well, what do i do now? i guess i could write some more songs, and avoid seeing friends until the semester ends. with any luck, my seclusion will create a false sense of exclusivity...
didn't i hear someone say girls like a guy with a sense of mystery?
but who the fuck am i kidding?

i'll probably come crawling home because i cant really handle the stress
and the panic attacks, they'll just start getting worst because of my need to impress
and i cant decide if my fits of passion are the manic raindrops in my sea of depressed
thoughts about how life is a mess. if only i could somehow shutoff my senses when they overwhelm me, if only i could rest.

forget what i just said, i wasn't feeling well, i just wanted to spill my guts or should i say my brain onto someone who wouldn't yell
at me for being mentally weak.
maybe i should take some more time to think,
but only to myself. you know, develop a better relationship with my internal dialogue so it doesn't try to stab me in the back of the ego next time i leave my guard down, that vindictive bastard.
but anyway,

why can't we talk about food?
i want to talk about sex
why can't we talk about food and sex and sleeping?
i want to talk about you and sex and sleeping